Um, i guess i should explain what that means. My emotions don't work right. I think they're defective. They're stronger than they should be, and certain things make them even stronger. Like when i'm tired, my blood sugar is low, and when i'm stressed. I am amazing at handling stress, but i can only handle so much before i unintentionally turn to drastic measures to keep myself sane. Thats what i call 'snapping'.
When i snap, i loose control. I cry every time i get a surge of feeling, my emotions' way of telling me to "back off, the emotional capacity is full. Don't feel so much, you have to keep sane." This is definitely not good for my social status at school. Crying all the time puts stress on my friends, which causes me more stress. Its a horrible endless cycle that sends me downhill. Eventually my friends can't take it anymore and keep me at arm's length, which makes everything worse because the whole friendship thing helps a lot with dealing with this.
I loose control in another sense, too. I feel, but i doesn't go deep. I cry more often, but i don't feel it. When i'm sad i look like it on the outside, and i know that i'm sad, but i don't really feel it. Its the same way when i'm happy. I just feel lifeless, i loose control of how i'm portraying my feelings because i don't feel them, they're not really there, just an illusion. The only feeling that shows through this lifelessness is anger. Anger always gets through the barrier, and of course it is accompanied with lots of crying. If i try to hide my anger, from myself and everyone around me, it just turns to tears. They're uncontrollable tears. And they start to slip away, just like the rest of my feelings, until i'm just crying and all i can feel is the actual tears rolling down my cheeks. This is what i like to call 'breaking down'.
So i'm getting scared that this downward spiral is happening to me now. I've noticed certain signs that always mean i'm loosing myself. For one, i was in the shower and i was feeling ever so slightly lifeless, just enough so i was forgetting what i was doing and going on with my routine without remembering what i did, sort of like a zombie. Thats the first sign. The second is that someone flushed the toilet and the water got very hot. It burned my back, but it felt good. So good. I woke right up from out of my trance and i felt again, it was pain, but i felt it. When i finally realized that the pain was rapidly getting worse because of the continuous hot water, i turned the water back to normal temperature. And then i realized what had happened and that i was liking the pain, and i got so angry with myself and sat down and cried. The water got cold, but i couldn't feel it. Not really. I knew it was there and i started to shiver, but i didn't care. I sat there for a long time, crying. I think it was about 15 minutes.
Another sign that scared the living daylights out of me was when i was at my school orchestra concert. My blood sugar was ridiculously low, it was about 6:30 that night and i hadn't eaten since 7:00 that morning. I got mad about something, so so mad, and i tried my best to keep control. That wasn't going to happen. I started tearing up from the penned up anger, and i tried to smother that too. It didn't end well. We were running through the songs in the concert and i was distracted by playing the cello. I noticed when we were done rehearsing, that i was shaking. Then i noticed that my cheeks were soaked. I was crying uncontrollably, very silently, but still very hard. I realized that i would soon get a bunch of concerned looks, which only makes things worse. So i went to the bathroom and tried to get a grip. I finally composed myself after crying on the bathroom floor for a good 10 minutes. When it hit me that i didn't feel myself sobbing at first, i freaked out, thinking that i was loosing myself right then and there. That only brought on a whole other round of tears, and it didn't take as long to compose myself, this time. I just went with the lifelessness and i'm pretty sure my face was monotone, but when i played the concert i got feeling back. Music is my salvation. I came away from that concert happy about how everything turned out with the songs, and i was extremely tired after that.
So thats what happens. I'm going to watch for more signs, and hopefully get out of this downhill roll. I have winter break in two days, and i have 16 days off from school. That is EXACTLY what i need right now, so i think i'll be fine. I just have to take it day by day.
*hugs*
~MC signing out <3
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