DC concert

So this last Saturday, I'm enjoying a nice long sleep-in until 10:30, when my mom comes into my room and says that something having to do with Springroll is short one cello, and would i like to do it.  There's a rehearsal today at 1:00pm.  I say sure, why not, and go back to sleep.  Once i wake up again, i go into the family room and ask what exactly i agreed to.  One of Springroll's friends from MCYO (maryland classical youth orchestra) wrote a suite for strings to be performed for some fancy benefit thing in DC.  Turns out, the wife of the secretary of defense for the clinton administration wrote a play called Anne and Emmett, it was Anne Frank and some black guy that got killed cuz of racism in the south, and it was a fictional conversation between the 2.  So the play that she wrote has a score written for violin, and that's it.  Springroll's friend got to play the violin part for the play and then surprised the lady who wrote it with his whole suite for strings, another score for the play.  He got a bunch of his friends to play it while he conducted.  So i thought it was pretty awesome.  We came out on stage and played it and everyone was so surprised. it was cool.  The woman who wrote the play was a lawyer or business woman or something really big, and her husband was a major politician (obviously.) So she's black and he's jewish and it caused a huge controversy when the got married and they both put their careers on the line.  So they're really cool people.  So they were at the charity thing, and the charity was to send kids who can't afford it to let them go to performing arts camps.  And i'd always gone to performing arts camps cuz my family has money, so i thot that was really cool.  So it was just... cool.  The concert turned out GREAT, and it will probably be in magazines all over the world cuz famous people were there, and the surprise will probably get caught up my the media.  Thats being optimistic, tho.  I'm glad i got to do it.

Oh yeah, and i have like TONS more confidence in my cello-playing ability now.  Cuz the cello section consisted of me, Springroll, and this other guy from MCYO.  The other guy made first chair in All-State orchestra.  And i was better than him, at least in an orchestra setting.  I have a feeling he was trained as a soloist, unlike me who was trained as an orch dork.  Thats why he does so well on auditions, but not so well in an orchestra.  As much as Springroll talks up MCYO, i don't think its a hard as i originally thought it was.  Theres a more advanced orchestra and a less advanced one in MCYO, and i was planning on trying out for the less-advanced one, but now i really think i can do the more advanced one.  I really think i'm completely up to it.  I may be like 15th chair, but i would still be in the ADVANCED PART OF THE MARYLAND CLASSICAL YOUTH ORCHESTRA. that would be so awesome. XD

*hugs*

~MC singing out<3

odd weather

Global warming or whatever, somethings up with the weather.  Everyone knows that the weather has been doing sudden drastic things, but what really weirded me out was today.  When spring comes, the weather should be warm and things should be blooming.  Thats how it has always been.  But today when i went outside, the smell was out-of-sync with the temperature.  It smelled like typical spring in Suburbia, Maryland, but it was a little cold for it to match.  

i think i pinpointed what it smells like:  gasoline, grass, and various flowers.  Occasionally you pass a cluster of honeysuckle, and then the smell is so strong that it covers up the others.  So yeah i wanted to write that down for future reference.

worse than i thought

Wow so i have to do my independent reading project this weekend.  Remember my post about how i was afraid i was slipping away?  Well i was.  Quickly.

I'm officially out of that phase.  I don't know why, i just got better.  A lot of people at school noticed.  The only ones that have told me so far are Yoli, Springroll, my english teacher, and my math teacher.  But i'm sure other people have noticed.  Elle and Lulu probably noticed but didn't tell me.  It must have been bad if Springroll took an interest.  Sheesh.

Well when i'm slipping away, i loose track of time.  And i did.  I just thought today how bad it must have been.  Its been an entire quarter since i had to do my last independent reading project.  I feels like i did it a month ago.  I lost track of that much time.  And it feels like a year since i did my first independent reading project this year.  Weird.  And confusing.  And distressing.  

I just had to have that in writing.  Because in a couple of months i may forget all about it and it could be the key to figuring out my dysfunctional mind.  Haha well i guess i'm one step closer...

*hugs*

~MC singing out<3

death!

Okay, so wats the deal with how people treat death?  How come when somebody dies, everyone acts like the person was so much better in everything than they really were?  Why is death such a taboo subject?  I just don't get it.

Like if someone dies that you never got along with, why should you act like they were a good friend to you?  And why is it considered sooooooooo bad to say "I never liked the person, it doesn't really bother me that they died."  I mean its different when you say that you want someone to die, i'll admit that that's a little extreme, but why do you have to act like its such a loss?  If you ask me, it's a little demeaning to the person.  Contort their legacy that they willingly shaped for themselves while they were alive.  Don't make them out to be so much nicer than they really were.  Its no wonder suicide rates are so high, people think that everyone will at least pretend to like them better when they're dead.  And apparently, they'd be right. Just some food for thought.

And why is it so weird to say "Oh yeah, they died." I mean, people act like a natural disaster struck.  A person died, that's all.  It happens every minute.  Everyone dies.  Give me a break, its just death.  Not that serious unless their death was a personal loss to your life.  And while you're contorting their legacy, why don't you ad on to it your selfishness of not wanting them to leave your life.  As if their death was more important to your life than their own.  But whatever, its a touchy subject.

*hugs*

~MC signing out <3

crap.

Oh my gosh i hurt lulu.  I knew it was gonna happen eventually because she's so amazing and she's not afraid to feel.  And my dysfunctional emotions and all.  Ack doesn't even cover it.  Urg doesn't even come close.  Um... bleh is my mood right now, but its not how i feel about this.

She hasn't been very happy to see me, and shes not keeping me at arms length exactly but we're not as close.  I want to pull her close again so we're best friends again just like last year, but i know i'm just gonna hurt her again.  And people wonder why i don't date.  No boy could handle me.

I feel so guilty, when i think about it i get this queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that almost hurts.  I wanna throw up almost, but i don't. Thank God.  I think i'll be happier without my lunch springing up on me after i already ate it...  But happy doesn't exactly come anyways.  

If you read this, Lulu, i love you and im so sorry!!! 

*hugs*

~MC signing out <3

concert!!!

Yesss!!! i went to a concert last saturday!!!  It was the Tickle Me Pink and the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus concert!!!  Both of those bands are amazing  live!  The actual concert was really really good, i was screaming most of the songs at the top of my lungs... very fun.

After the concert, i bought an rja charity shirt, just a $30 shirt that part of the proceeds go their Guardian Angel charity foundation.  I also got another tmp shirt that fits me better.  I got a blue tmp shirt for my friend, and i got it signed for her by all the band members. 

TMP is now sponsored by Denny's, so its required that after a concert every two weeks or so they have to go to Denny's and invite the audience (barely anyone comes, tho) So after the concert we went to the Denny's afterparty.  TMP was there, and the band that opened for them called The Becoming was there,  and 20 or so random fans came too, along with my family and i.  So that was fun, the bass player from The Becoming ate my french toast cuz i didn't want all of it, we had dinner before we went to the concert.  The manager played TMP's cd.  A little bit of food was thrown and there was a lot of screaming including a couple of uses of the F word, but to my surprise, we didn't get kicked out lol.  When everybody was about to go, i got my friend's shirt signed, and we all piled into a huge booth for a picture.  This is like 30 people, mind you, so it was difficult.  I ended up half-standing-half-crouching on the seat.  A waitress took the picture standing on a chair.  The whole night was very fun!!!

Before the concert, we visited two of my aunts, a long lost cousin, and all of their "significant others."  It was freezing the whole time.  And i think that actually about covers the concert.  It doesn't really cover the family visits, but ill blog about those later.  

contemplation...

So, you may ask, what am i contemplating?  Well, i'm wondering if i'm totally comfy with my dad reading this blog.  Its not that i want to hide things from him, but i don't want to hurt his feelings if he sees something here he doesn't like.  Like sometime i might be venting about the 'rents, and he'll see something about him that i would never say to his face...  idk...  I'm not gonna give up the honesty of this blog just cuz hes reading it.  Haha i just realized hes probably gonna read this.  

Hi dad!!! I luuuuuuuuuuuvvvve u!!!!  

But there will be times when i'm not happy with you, so you might see something here you don't want to see...  So whatever only come here if u want to see the brutally honest side of ur daughter.

*hugs*

~MC signing out <3

lyrics to "expiration date" by tickle me pink

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah

i've got a question:

have you learned your lesson?

cuz you left me guessin last time

it was a blessing in disguise 

the day you opened my eyes

to what was always fake

well i was just wonderin

why you left me stublin

when my whole world was

crumblin down 

i'm faithfully(?) broken 

from this new life you've chosen

now i know i'm done

hoping for this

you pass me by

you pass me by

what's passin by?

my time!

i remember you

when you remember me

so i would think you

would say goodbyyyyyyyye

you never left a call

you never wrote a note

and everything i was

became a liiiiiiiie

easy to betray

when you're changing day to day

and you don't remember things

that you said

someday you will find 

that you've been left behind

and there is no life in 

lying in bed

you pass me by

you pass me by

what's passin by?

my time!

you pass me by

you pass me by

what's passin by?...

what was that?

i remember you

when you remember me

so i would think you

would say goodbyyyyyyyye

you never left a call

you never wrote a note

and everything i was

became a liiiiiiiie

now you want me back

but you'll never change

so i'm not here for

your foolish gaaaaaaaames

and since the day you left

i've learned a couple things

you've gotta grab life and 

take what in may briiiiiiiing

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bah dee dee

bah

bah bah bah dee dee

bah bah bee-dah dee doo

bah bah bah dee dee

bah

well i remember you

when you remember me

so i would think you

would say goodbyyyyyyyye

you never left a call

you never wrote a note

and everything i was

became a liiiiiiiie

now you want me back

but you'll never change

so i'm not here for

your foolish gaaaaaaaames

and since the day you left

i've learned a couple things

you've gotta grab life and 

take what in may briiiiiiiing

tickle me piiiiiiiink

lyrics to "typical" by tickle me pink

she struts up to me

whispers my name 

as if know her

but i never knew her

she asks me the time

a quarter to one 

we go for a drive

i just don't know her

on the coldest night

in the darkest room

i will sleep alone

cuz its better than you, yeah its better than you

you can't play me like that

its a matter of fact

you're nothing more

than a typical whore

and i won't be your fool

anymore

we go to her house

flip on the tele and ly on the couch

but i don't feel her

anymore

she asks me to bed

this is the end of my disenchantment

now that i'm 

walking out the door

on the coldest night

in the darkest room

i will sleep alone

cuz its better than you, yeah its better than you

you can't play me like that

its a matter of fact

you're nothing more 

than a typical whore

and i won't be your fool

anymore

maybe someday you'll get it

perhaps you'll regret it

or maybe you'll find 

someone else who accepts it

i won't be the one

*guitar solo, whoot!!!*

(you can't play me like that

its a matter of fact [echo]

you can't play me like that

its a matter of fact [echos a lot])

on the coldest night 

in the darkest room

i will sleep alone

cuz its better than you, yeah its better than you

you can't play me like that

its a matter of fact

you're nothing more

than a typical whore

and i won't be your fool

anymore

maybe someday you'll get it

perhaps you'll regret it

or maybe you'll find

someone else who accepts it

i won't be the one

lyrics

By the way, when i post lyrics, i don't really know if they're completely correct.  I'll have a song in my head forever, and i just have to write it down.  If it happens to be one of my favorite songs, i'll post the lyrics here, just cuz i wanna hold on to them.  But anyway, just so you know, they might not be correct.  

*hugs*

~MC signing out<3

lyrics to "that's not my name" by the ting tings

four letter word just to get my along

its a difficulty and i'm biting on my tounge

and i, i keep stallin, and keepin my together

people around gotta find somethin to say now

holdin back, every day the same

don't wanna be a loner, listen to me oh-no

i never say anything at all

but with nothin to consider they forget my name

(ame, ame, ame)

they call me hell

they call me stacy

they call me her

they call me jane

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name 

thats not my... name

they call me quiet gal

but i'm a riot

maybe joelisa

always the same

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my... name

i miss the catch if they throw my the ball

i'm the last chick standing up against the wall

keep up, fallin, these heels they keep my borin

gettin glammed up and sittin on the fence now

so alone all the time at night

lock myself away, listen to me oh-no

although i'm dressed up, out and all

with everything considered, they forget my name

(ame, ame, ame)

overlaps the chorus this time:

(cuz now its in my head, and now its in my mind

call the preacher get some words and get some time

ya know i realize, i cannot emphasize

i sit around with just the promise all combined, and 

but baby can't you see, i need so desperately 

i stand there chokin like a book of one-liners  

instead i sit alone, the sound is monotone

i gotta get some so i gotta get some feelin) 

they call me hell

they call me stacy

they call me her

they call me jane

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name 

thats not my... name

they call me quiet gal

but i'm a riot

maybe joelisa

always the same

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my... name

are you callin me darlin?

are you callin me bird?

are you callin me darlin?

are you callin me bird?

overlaps the chorus this time:

(are you callin me darlin?

are you callin me bird?

are you callin me darlin?

are you callin me bird?)

they call me hell

they call me stacy

they call me her

they call me jane

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my... name

they call me quiet gal

but i'm a riot

maybe joelisa

always the same

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name 

thats not my... name

overlaps the chorus this time:

(cuz now its in my head, and now its in my mind

call the preacher get some words and get some time

ya know i realize, i cannot emphasize

i sit around with just the promise all combined, and 

but baby can't you see, i need so desperately 

i stand there chokin like a book of one-liners  

instead i sit alone, the sound is monotone

i gotta get some so i gotta get some feelin )

also overlaps the chorus this time:

(are you callin me darlin?

are you callin me bird?

are you callin me darlin?

are you callin me bird?)

they call me hell

they call me stacy

they call me her

they call me jane

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my... name

they call me quiet gal

but i'm a riot

maybe joelisa

always the same

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my... name

overlaps the chorus this time, other one doesn't:

(cuz now its in my head, and now its in my mind

call the preacher get some words and get some time

ya know i realize, i cannot emphasize

i sit around with just the promise all combined, and

but baby can't you see, i need so desperately 

i stand there chokin like a book of one-liners  

instead i sit alone, the sound is monotone

i gotta get some so i gotta get some feelin )

they call me hell

they call me stacy

they call me her

they call me jane

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my... name

they call me quiet gal

but i'm a riot

maybe joelisa

always the same

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my name

thats not my... name

cuz now its in my head, and now its in my mind

call the preacher get some words and get some time

ya know i realize, i cannot emphasize

i sit around with just the promise all combined, and

but baby can't you see, i need so desperately 

i stand there chokin like a book of one-liners  

instead i sit alone, the sound is monotone

i gotta get some so i gotta get some feelin

lyrics to "face down" by rja

Hey girl you know you drive me crazy

one look puts the rhythm in my hand

still i'll never understand why you hang around

i see whats going down

cover up with makeup in the mirror

tell yourself it's never gonna happen again

you cry alone

and then he swears he loves you

 

do you feel like a man

when you push her around?

do you feel better now

as she falls to the ground?

well i'll tell you my friend

one day this this world's going to end

as your lies crumble down

a new life she has found

a pebble in the water makes a ripple effect

every action in this world will bear a consequence

if you wait around forever you will surely drown

i see whats going down

i see the way you go

and say you're right again

say you're right again 

heed my lecture 

do you feel like a man

when you push her around?

do you feel better now

as she falls to the ground?

well i'll tell you my friend

one day this world's going to end

as your lies crumble down

a new life she has found

face down in the dirt

she said "this doesn't hurt

she said "i've- i finally had enough"

face down in the dirt

she said "this doesn't hurt

she said "i've- i finally had enough"

one day she will tell you that she's had enough

it's coming 'round again

do you feel like a man

when you push her around?

do you feel better now

as she falls to the ground?

well i'll tell you my friend

one day this world's going to end

as your lies crumble down

a new life she has found

do you feel like a man

when you push her around?

do you feel better now

as she falls to the ground?

well i'll tell you my friend

one day this world's going to end

as your lies crumble down

a new life she has found

face down in the dirt

she said "this doesn't hurt

she said "i've- i finally had enough"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah (continued)

So, my mom calls home this afternoon and tells me that my cousin, the one in Tickle Me Pink, textd my mom and told her that he didn't know if he could get us in for free, but he could reserve 4 seats.  Which means that my mom textd him to tell him that we were coming.  Which means that shes definitely planning on going, but only if the weather is good.  Unless it snows, im going to see TMP and RJA live, in concert!  This is amazing.  Dream come true. 

And yes, i dream of silly things like this.  And yes, theres the same number of A's in the title as in the last title.  And yes, i waste my time on ever so slightly amusing things.  Sue me. 

*hugs*

~MC signing out <3

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!

so my cousin's band is called Tickle Me Pink.  they're just starting to hit it big, and they're actually really good.  i know almost all the songs by heart, each and every word, on their album, and i am just in love with that band.

you may have heard of the band the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. they are my latest band obsession.  I only have like 6 of their songs, but i LOVE all of them.  They're rock, not too heavy but not too soft.  Right in the middle.  They have just a hint of screamo, but hats ok cuz they pull it off.  anyway, i love the band. ive been obsessed with their song False Pretense for like two weeks now.

So today i was looking on TMPs website to see when theyd be in Maryland so we cud go see them.  It turns out that they're touring with RJA!!!!!!  i screamed when i found out.  so i think to myself, theres no way im missing this concert.  But they're not coming to maryland.  i have to convince my parents to go to the one in Ohio in a week and a half.  They don't understand how obsessed i am with this now.  holy crap i wanna see thsi concert sooooooo bad!!!!!!!!!

*hugs*

~MC signing out <3

pon&zi

So if u don't know what pon&zi are, they're these two cute little emo people that are in love and completely demented.  I have a bunch of pics of them over to the side with the rest of the pictures.  They're so cute.  They make u feel all warm and fuzzy inside in a weird way.  But anyway, i absolutely LOVE them, and i now have 30 pictures of them on my cell phone.  The yellow one is the boy and the blue one is the girl.  i think.  Yeah, they're adorable.  some of them are funny, like one that says "if i promise not to kill you, will you give me a hug?" but yeah they're so adorably demented.  So yea, i thot id write about them.

newton

So ive just added a person to my updatable important people key, and his code-name is newton.  I call him this because he reminds me of the character mike newton in the twilight books.  In the first book, mike newton was said to be taking on the qualities of a golden retriever.  This is exactly what this kid is doing.

So newton is a junior, i'm a sophomore, and i apparently was a little too nice to him at the homecoming dance.  None of his friends were there, so since he was sorta my friend and really nice, i let him hang out with me and my friends the whole night.  Of course, me being the way too nice person that i am, he develops this HUGE crush on me.  So now i'm wondering if he likes me or not, cuz if he does things might get a little awkward.  and that, my friends, is the understatement of the century.

So my awesome friend elle with her crush radar, comes in a confirms my suspicions.  Its scary really, she knows when i like somebody before i know i like them.  But anyway, i'm certain this kid likes me.  And then the invitations start.

So first he invites me to a movie.  I'm thinking, ok cool i like movies, its not a date or anything, and i can invite other people to send him a clear message.  And so as movie time comes nearer and nearer, it turns more and more into a date.  He buys both our tickets off of fandango before im even sure if i can find a way out of this, so im trapped.  So watev, ill bring my matt and his friend along, they would like the movie and that'll work.  I get there and he wont let me pay for my own drink or anything. So now we're both aware that this is a casual date, and we're both aware that the other one is aware.  "Hehehe, not for long," i say to myself.  "I just need to get matt and his buddy to sit between us or something... mwahaha..." (sry dramatic effect.)  

so matt and his buddy decide to sit on the opposite side of the theater from us, being the complete assholes that they're capable of being, so that went interestingly.  I just made sure i kept my distance and lucky for me, he never made a move.  "Phew, that was close," she thinks to herself as she makes a point of not giving him a hug before he leaves.  Don't ask why i'm doing that, i really don't know, i picked it up from jake and now its kind of how im thinking.

so i get out of that, and make sure i find a way out of everything he invites me to.  Yeah, sounds easy enough until hes inviting u to EVERYTHING.  Like his family's ski trip in Colorado, a Switchfoot concert (that one was soooooooo hard to turn down, but i had homework anyway.), and an ice skating trip in New York City.  Not to mention the bazillions of movies.  Luckily, i actually had good excuses for all of those.  The traveling ones and the concert, my parents would never let me, which they wouldn't, and for the movies, i have a shitload of homework and im trying to find time to practice my cello let-alone watch tv let-alone-let-alone go to a movie.  So thats all good and done.

It gets better.  He starts walking me from orchestra to history every other day.  Yeah. too far.  i now have to find a way to tell him to back off.  Seeing as he has yet to confess his deep, obsessive love for me, i have to figure grounds to tell him to back off on.  Basically, the only way of doing this without being a bitch about it (which would keep me up at night in endless guilt, how could i break a dudes heart?)  I had to figure out how to get him to tell me that he liked me, without him knowing that i had this whole thing planned against him.  So my AMAZING friend stilliam helps me come up with this plan, which is a horribly mean plan, but newton would never know it, to get him to admit it to me.  

Stilliam gets newton's cell # from me and starts texting him, posing as a girl that knew him in middle school and used to have a crush on him.  So this girl, who we designated Kristen Johnson, wants to know if he liked her.  He says i have no idea who you are, so she just goes on about how if u don't like me then who do you like?  and so of course he figured out that it was stilliam, being the smart stalker that he is, but doesn't figure out why he was doing it.  Somehow he still told stilliam he likes me and he tells me that he told stilliam.  I say something like "o yeah i do this to all my friends, i confuse them and i know who they like too! so if my partner in crime gets to know, so do i!! who is it?"

and so he told me, simple as that.  and he asked me out right then and there, and i said no i don't date, (which i don't) we went on being friends, ive told him to back off in a very nice way, im sure he never took offense.  but i made the mistake of adding him to my list of ppl that i sent my christmas text message to.  I sent this message to all my friends, saying something like, "i friggin love u, u big dork merry christmas!" and he took it the wrong way so now he thinks im into him again even though i said no im not.  so hes inviting me places again.  fun fun.

Ah, such is life.  time for bed, tonight's the last night of christmas break, and ive got to go to sleep.

*hugs*

~MC signing out <3

soup... random, ik.

So i'm sitting here typing and eating soup!!! i want the world to know that PROGRESSO LIGHT SOUPS ARE THE BEST SOUPS EVER!!! they're freaking huge cans of soup and u can eat the whole can for only 120 calories! amazing.  They're really good tasting and they're filling and so yuuuuuuuuummy.  and best of all,

VEGETARIAN FRIENDLY!!!!!!!!!!

So you get why i LUV these soups so much.  If ur reading this, which nobody ever does, i have the feeling, go out to Safeway and buy some progresso light soups!!!!!

*hugs*

~MC signing out <3

par-tay!

So, its now 2:39 in the afternoon.  Happy New Year!!!  Um, i just participated in the biggest party that my family hosts once a year.  New Years Eve is also my brother matt's birthday, so we always have an overnight party.  Matt just turned 18, so it was a bit bigger this year.  So i didn't sleep at all from the time i got up in the morning on the 31st to about noon the next day.  Then i fell asleep. But only for about 2 hours, i was the runner-up for the one who slept the least the party.  It wasn't anything amazing or extravagant, we just played video games (or watched, if we're gaming-impaired).  We blasted our annual techno song and danced around at midnight, this year the song was Caramelldansen.  I think its swedish or something. someone brought fireworks, so that was cool and loud and bright... thats pretty much it.  Oh and elle and cocoanut are finally going out, which is what i thought would be a good idea even before they knew each other.  I feel kind of special that i got them together i guess.... they make an amazing couple.  Um, i think thats it.  Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!

*hugs*

~MC signing out <3

slipping away

I'm scared that i'm slipping away again, just like i did in seventh grade.  I noticed certain things about the way i was feeling, and its really freaking me out.  I'm very stressed from school stuff, and that is bad for my emotions.  I'm good at handling stress, until i snap.

Um, i guess i should explain what that means.  My emotions don't work right.  I think they're defective.  They're stronger than they should be, and certain things make them even stronger.  Like when i'm tired, my blood sugar is low, and when i'm stressed.  I am amazing at handling stress, but i can only handle so much before i unintentionally turn to drastic measures to keep myself sane. Thats what i call 'snapping'.

When i snap, i loose control.  I cry every time i get a surge of feeling, my emotions' way of telling me to "back off, the emotional capacity is full.  Don't feel so much, you have to keep sane."  This is definitely not good for my social status at school.  Crying all the time puts stress on my friends, which causes me more stress.  Its a horrible endless cycle that sends me downhill.  Eventually my friends can't take it anymore and keep me at arm's length, which makes everything worse because the whole friendship thing helps a lot with dealing with this.

I loose control in another sense, too.  I feel, but i doesn't go deep.  I cry more often, but i don't feel it.  When i'm sad i look like it on the outside, and i know that i'm sad, but i don't really feel it.  Its the same way when i'm happy.  I just feel lifeless, i loose control of how i'm portraying my feelings because i don't feel them, they're not really there, just an illusion.  The only feeling that shows through this lifelessness is anger.  Anger always gets through the barrier, and of course it is accompanied with lots of crying.  If i try to hide my anger, from myself and everyone around me, it just turns to tears.  They're uncontrollable tears.  And they start to slip away, just like the rest of my feelings, until i'm just crying and all i can feel is the actual tears rolling down my cheeks.  This is what i like to call 'breaking down'. 

So i'm getting scared that this downward spiral is happening to me now.  I've noticed certain signs that always mean i'm loosing myself.  For one, i was in the shower and i was feeling ever so slightly lifeless, just enough so i was forgetting what i was doing and going on with my routine without remembering what i did, sort of like a zombie.  Thats the first sign.  The second is that someone flushed the toilet and the water got very hot.  It burned my back, but it felt good.  So good.  I woke right up from out of my trance and i felt again, it was pain, but i felt it.  When i finally realized that the pain was rapidly getting worse because of the continuous hot water, i turned the water back to normal temperature.  And then i realized what had happened and that i was liking the pain, and i got so angry with myself and sat down and cried.  The water got cold, but i couldn't feel it.  Not really.  I knew it was there and i started to shiver, but i didn't care.  I sat there for a long time, crying.  I think it was about 15 minutes.

Another sign that scared the living daylights out of me was when i was at my school orchestra concert.  My blood sugar was ridiculously low, it was about 6:30 that night and i hadn't eaten since 7:00 that morning.  I got mad about something, so so mad, and i tried my best to keep control.  That wasn't going to happen.  I started tearing up from the penned up anger, and i tried to smother that too.  It didn't end well.  We were running through the songs in the concert and i was distracted by playing the cello.  I noticed when we were done rehearsing, that i was shaking.  Then i noticed that my cheeks were soaked.  I was crying uncontrollably, very silently, but still very hard.  I realized that i would soon get a bunch of concerned looks, which only makes things worse.  So i went to the bathroom and tried to get a grip.  I finally composed myself after crying on the bathroom floor for a good 10 minutes.  When it hit me that i didn't feel myself sobbing at first, i freaked out, thinking that i was loosing myself right then and there.  That only brought on a whole other round of tears, and it didn't take as long to compose myself, this time.  I just went with the lifelessness and i'm pretty sure my face was monotone, but when i played the concert i got feeling back.  Music is my salvation.  I came away from that concert happy about how everything turned out with the songs, and i was extremely tired after that.

So thats what happens.  I'm going to watch for more signs, and hopefully get out of this downhill roll.  I have winter break in two days, and i have 16 days off from school.  That is EXACTLY what i need right now, so i think i'll be fine.  I just have to take it day by day.

*hugs*

~MC signing out <3

second week

Well like i expected, this last week went so much better than the first. Monday was pretty much just a monday except that i had my new spanish class. I hate the teacher. Shes crazy, and not in the good way. She totally freaks out over really weird things. But other than that monday was great. Tuesday was good... nothin much happened there. U know, nothing really happened all week until thursday night. That was one of the best nights of my life. I saw TMP live for the first time!!!!!!!!!!! It was so awesome, they're much better in person than fall out boy... ive never seen FOB in concert, but ive seen live videos on youtube. SO IM EXCITED BECAUSE THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVE POTENTIAL IF THEYRE GOOD IN PERSON LIVE!!!!!
We got home at like one in the morning. I just went right to bed, and i woke up late, so i didn't shower before school the next day. Kind of gross, but i don't care. Friday wasn't too amazing, but nothing really bad happened all week. Of course, one amazingly good thing happened, so this week pretty much rocked. I have to make a separate post for the concert.

*hugs*
MC signing out

first week

Well, its Saturday and i just finished my first week of school. It wasn't all good or all bad, it was up and down and up and down... I'm taking honors Biology, AP US History, honors English 2, honors Geometry, Spanish 3, Orchestra, Human Growth and Development, First Aid, and Aerobics. Pretty tough schedule considering that all the academic classes are honors except for history. Thats advanced placement, or in other words, college level. Its not as bad as it sounds, its just a whole bunch of reading.

Well, the first day of school kinda sucked, but it was ok. It was just plain confusing and it was humid outside so i was sweaty all day. Of course i had a on a shirt that showed it. Gross right? Well try being the person who can't change being gross. Not fun. The second day was pretty awesome, i followed along pretty well. The next day was as good as the last, but i was finally understanding my A day classes. Then the fourth day of school, bad stuff happened. The last 15 minutes of my last class, i was send down to the guidance counselor's office. I started feeling sick in a weird kind of way so i went to the bathroom. When i got there, i had the strongest urge to open my cell phone. I felt like i was going to explode if i didn't. So i opened the phone and turned it on, and there was a text message. I'm not going to explain all the previous conversations we had, but it was from my friend and it convinced me that she had killed herself. She never did it, and she just pretty much wanted attention, but i cried for three hours that day. I still haven't forgiven her for that. After i went to the bathroom and checked my text message, i went down to the guidance counselor's office like i was supposed to. Turned out that they had messed up my schedule by putting me in the wrong Human Growth and Development class and i wouldn't have gotten the credit i needed from it. I would have ended up going to my zoned high school junior year because i applied to the one i'm in now. I needed to complete that class my sophomore year or they would kick me out. So they changed my schedule, thankfully, but of course the class they moved to a different block is the history class. I had like ten friends in that class and that was the last straw and i started crying. But Friday was good again. I went to my new history class, and i knew ppl there too. The only bad thing that happened that day was at lunch i was talking to a violinist in my quartet and he said that he couldn't do it anymore. We'll work that out. Thats not a problem. I just looked and felt so tired that day because crying for long periods of time is very exhausting. Everything was good all in all.

Well, it was an interesting week and sleeping in felt so good this morning. Next week's gonna be better. I'm not gonna cry because ive cried this week enough to last me a month. Lulu, if u read this, thanks for the happy cheerios, they totally cheered me up and made Friday bearable! I love my friends and im so glad im gonna get to see them from now to the end of the year. Next week's gonna rock. Sophomore year's gonna rock! I just have to stay positive and give lots of hugs!!!

*hugs*
~MC signing out